// 1 Desktop notifications are on | Turn off Get breaking news alerts from The Washington Post Turn on desktop notifications? Yes Not now * // * Sections // <#> * // <#> * Home The Washington Post logo Democracy Dies in Darkness <#> * Try 1 month for $1 * Elden Carnahan * Sign In ------------------------------------------------------------------------ o My Post / / o My Reading List / / o Account Settings / / o Newsletters & alerts / / o Gift subscriptions / / o Contact us / / o Help desk / / * Elden Carnahan * Basic Digital subscriber * Sign out * My Post / / * My Reading List / / * Account Settings / / * Newsletters & alerts / / * Gift subscriptions / / * Contact us / / * Help desk / / * Accessibility for screenreader The Washington Post Discussions Style Conversational Week 1232: The smear campaign Add to list On my list ‘Granola Smear,’ that is -- a.k.a. Loser Anagram. Plus a look at this week’s Style Invitational. It turns out that Steven Halter's name is wrong in the Loser Stats -- so he'll need a new Loser Anagram, a.k.a. Granola Smear. See below for some of the options. (From NRARS.org) By Pat Myers Pat Myers Editor and judge of The Style Invitational since December 2003 Email // Bio // Follow // June 15, 2017 When I was double-checking names last night for this week’s Style Invitational results , to see who’d gotten ink before, I realized that Steven Halter’s name was misspelled in theLoser Stats, an insane labor of love maintained by Loser Since Year 1 Elden Carnahan with the assistance of a few fellow have-no-lifes. Making the fix — it was the Invite’s mistake, not Elden’s, back in 1997 — wasn’t just a matter of changing “ph” to “v.” Because virtually every one of the 5,000-plus names of the people who’ve gotten Invite ink over the past 1,231 weeks is accompanied by a Loser Anagram — or, as it’s called in the stats, a Granola Smear. And so I emailed Elden and henchmen Jeff Contompasis and Michael Kilby, explaining that “Shrapnel Teeth will no longer cut it. As it were.” We needed an anagram for Steven, not for Stephen. I awoke a few hours later to replies from both Jeff and Michael (Elden was busy preparing for Saturday’s Flushies; see below). Jeff’s first suggestion “Did you give him the option to go to court and change it?” Okay, I’ll do that now: Steven, if you want to hold on to Shrapnel Teeth, please change your name. If not, you may change from one of Jeff’s suggested anagrams: 1. Eleventh Tsar 2. Seventh Alert 3. Nettle Shaver 4l Svelter Thane Or you might take one of Michael’s: 5. Leather Vents 6. Ten TV Healers 7. Svelte Anther 8. Navel Tethers 9. Nether Valets This is, by the way, Steven’s third blot of ink in 20 years. His first was when the Czar asked for jokes in the format “A without B is like C without D”: Steve offered the brilliantly surreal “A politician without a conscience is like a billiard ball without a mustache.” His second, from the Empress in 2009, was for a bad name for a fast-food restaurant: Squirrel-fil-a. Let’s hope we hear from Steve again before 2025. We promise to get his name right. Meanwhile, *you don’t have to be a Loser to get your named anagrammed! *That’s the welcoming gift when you join the Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook. After I wave you in, the Devs commence to chime in with a slew of anagrams for your name or pseudonym, leading you to wish you’d been named Xfcstb. *PEOPLE ARE TALKING! THIS WEEK’S CAPTION CONTEST* This week’s contest for captions for Bob Staake cartoons is much like our dozens of previous ones (the “cartoons” category of Elden’s indispensable Master Contest List l comprises some 67 contests). But this time, in all four cartoons one or more of the characters are saying something — allowing for captions of dialogue or monologue, rather than just “this is what this picture shows.” You don’t /have/ to include quotes in your entry, but at least you have the opportunity. Meanwhile, I’d really appreciate it if — note the beseeching, un-Empressy tone — you follow the instructions and send in your entries like this: *LIKE THIS: * *Picture A: [something incredibly funny]* *Picture A: [something even funnier]* *Picture B: [I just spit out my drink]* *AND NOT LIKE THIS: * Picture A: An entry about Picture A Another entry about Picture A Because I use Microsoft Word to sort the entries, and Word looks for line endings, the second format will separate your entry from its label, and I might not be (or inclined to be) smart enough to pick your incredible brain. *One more thing:* Bob’s cartoons appear in color online, but in black-and-white on the print page. If your entry is a joke focusing on colors (we’ve had them), it won’t make sense for me to run it in the paper. But I could add it to the online results, were it unforgettably dazzling. *GREAT FLUSHIES NEWS: We WILL have goats! * Last week I shared the news that Robin and Khalil Diallo, this (and last) year’s hosts of the Flushies, the Loser Community’s annual awards potluck, were moving to Haiti in a few months, and so were finding new homes for all their farm animals. But this morning Robin emailed me from Baghdad (she’ll be co-hosting via Skype while she’s at her State Department post) to report that “we will still have 3 baby goats, chickens, turkeys and the peacock” this Saturday afternoon at RK Acres in Anne Arundel County, Md. “Two llamas but they aren’t too people-friendly — they run away.” The backyard pool will be open, too (for humans). So bring the kids and the cameras — we’re back to Photo Op Central. And of course there’s the Flushies gathering itself, a chance to match up names and faces, to connect with new Losers and Devotees and reconnect with the vets. The Loser of the Year will be serenaded with a song parody written for the occasion; milestones will be marked by the tossing of custom-inscribed rolls of toilet paper; emcee Kyle Hendrickson promises a game (including something family-friendly). And of course there’s the food: At a potluck with 55 people, you know you’re going to pig out in bliss (or brisket out, for kosher types, or tempeh out, for you veggies). Did you forget to RSVP, or not get the Evite? It’s not too late! Use this link : and send in your Yes. If it doesn’t work, email me at pat.myers@washpost.com. And yes, even /you /are invited; if you’re interested enough to be reading this far into this column, you’re Loserly enough for us. The Diallos and the Flushies Organizing Committee are providing soft drinks, paper products, cups, tablecloths, etc., plus the plaques and other awards, so we’ll put out a bucket into which you can drop in a couple of bucks or five to pay them back. It seemed silly to/bill/ everyone $5. *CINÉMA FALSITÉ*: THE RESULTS OF WEEK 1228 * /*Non-inking headline by Jesse Frankovich, who got four inks, so don’t boo-hoo for the poor man/ The Empress was holding her breath on this contest for movie “secret inspirations” -- sure, she’d get lots of entries; she always does for contests that require little or no writing. But would simply pairing up a name and a movie title provide enough wit? Oh yeah, not a problem. I did get a slew of entries, many of them from brand-new Losers (including Samantha Wareing and Jerry Mindes, who get ink today). And while a lot of entries weren’t particularly inspired (like those along the line of “Swimmer”: Michael Phelps), we have more than 40 inking entries, plus the long list of uncredited ones “inspired by” Trump. Foremost among them was Frank Osen’s “James and the Giant Peach,” as inspired by Mr. Comey and President Giant Peach. Coincidentally (it’s blind judging), I happened to see Frank just last week at the West Chester Poetry Conference in Pennsylvania, where he and fellow Loserbard Melissa Balmain led a workshop on parodies and light verse (I sat in to impart my Great Wisdom). Frank’s innate funniness was most evident during an evening of faculty readings: When it was his turn, he walked to the lectern and launched a killer Bob Dylan imitation, to tease some people on an earlier panel, and got a huge laugh — even though the previous writer had just finished her wrenchingly powerful poem about the death of an infant. This is Frank’s 15th Invite win, and so we’ll save our remaining half-dozen Inkin’ Memorial trophies for future first-place winners. Instead, we’ll send him our next trophy, the Lose Cannon , which I’ll present in the Invite when we’re down to the last Bobble-Lincs. The other occupants of the Losers’ Circle are also familiar names: Seth Tucker won last week’s Invite with his “life form” D.J.T. Rex Robert Schechter grabs his 22nd ink “above the fold,” and The Mysterious Lawrence McGuire — the highest-scoring active Loser the Empress has never met in person, even though he lives almost in her back yard — gets fourth place plus four honorable mentions, for an all-time 230 blots of ink. *What Doug Dug: *In addition to seconding the four top winners, Ace Copy Editor Doug Norwood singled out Duncan Stevens’s “The 39 Steps” for Charlie Sheen and Hildy Zampella’s “Fargo” for Yoda, two entries that required a moment’s thought. *Vincing Argumement:* Another decades-long colleague, the always funny Vince Rinehart, says: “Okay, this was one of my favorite contests. When I got to “While You Were Sleeping” [for Bill Cosby,from both Dave Matuskey and Kathy MacDonald] ”I about wet my pants.” Vince, the entire newsroom thanks for not finding it any funnier. *WARNING: SPARE TIME AHEAD!* There won’t be a new contest next week — or the week after that. For the first time ever, the Empress is skipping two contests in a row so that a month hence, she and the Royal Concert may tour their far-off dominions. And because of entry deadlines vs. publication deadlines, she can’t even take a set of entries with her to judge (Royal Consort: “Good”). But, as always, there will be an Invite: The next two columns will feature the results of Weeks 1229 and 1230, and in mid-July, when we’re away, there will be two pre-written new contests, plus extra honorable mentions from the Week 1222 and 1226 horse name contests, plus a mix of other recent ones. Which means that the E’s streak of columns continues since she deposed the Czar in December 2003 (and these are only her ninth and 10th skipped contest out of almost 700). And the Invite itself has appeared uninterrupted once a week since Year 8, January 30, 2000.( … she bragged, starting up a game of chicken with Fate ... ) *NERD ALERT* Starting this week, the E-Z to Type links to each week’s Invitational, Conversational and Invite entry form will read “wapo.st/invite[week number]”; “wapo.st/conv[week number]” and “wapo.st/enter-invite-[week number].“ That’s because I’m now using The Post’s bit.ly account rather than my personal one. Not only does that let The Post know we’re here (please click on the links many times!!), but this could solve the problem of office systems that block blt.ly prefixes -- “ly” is Libya; hopefully they won’t be so concerned about domains from São Tomé and Príncipe. See you at the Flushies! . Pat Myers Pat Myers is editor and judge of The Style Invitational, The Washington Post's page for clever, edgy humor and wordplay. In the role since December 2003, she has posted and judged more than 700 contests. She also writes the weekly Style Conversational column and runs the Style Invitational Devotees page on Facebook. Follow // Subscriber sign in We noticed you’re blocking ads! Keep supporting great journalism by turning off your ad blocker. Or purchase a subscription for unlimited access to real news you can count on. Try 1 month for $1 Unblock ads Questions about why you are seeing this? Contact us